Our 58th spotlight in the FACES OF HOPE: WE DO RECOVER series will focus on Kathy Delgado’s story, Forgiven.
My name is Kathy Delgado and I have been in recovery for 6 years. I hit my rock bottom not once or twice, but three times. Different events in people’s lives happen that some just can’t deal with or don’t have coping skills to deal with them properly.
I moved here from NYC in 1998. This was very upsetting for me and hard. I was not happy and fell into depression. I immersed myself in catechism and devoted a lot of my life to religion. I had also achieved a lot at such a young age. While in NY I had the opportunity to go to nursing school (LPN) while in high school. From my sophomore year until a month after graduating high school, I went to high school half the day and nursing school the other half with no vacations or summer breaks. When I moved to KY I took my boards and passed. I was a new to KY, a new nurse with no friends but church. I eventually began making friends and started to open up, living life as an 18 year old. I began going out and drinking, then I started to smoke marijuana occasionally and do cocaine. At this point in my life I was able to use recreationally.
In 2001 I became pregnant but was alone. A few months before her birth the father and I reunited. He decided to join the military to better provide for our growing family. Before he headed off to training we discovered we were to expect another child. Everything was great and fine, or so I though. While he was gone he had found someone else and left me 8 months pregnant and with a baby. I became very depressed and a month after the birth of my second child I relocated here to Ashland, KY to be closer to my parents and some support. I quickly found a place of my own and started life as a single mother. I worked as a nurse and quickly found out that many of my coworkers dealt with workload and long hours by taking or snorting pain pills. This was 2003. I never did such a thing for a long time, but the peer pressure eventually got to me and I did it too. BINGO, it helped so much with keeping my energy up and staying awake, or so I thought. Occasional use soon became a pretty regular thing. Then the physical dependency started. I soon became a functioning addict for the next several years.
Fast forward to 2007. I had eventually quit working. I always tell people that I was stupid enough to do drugs but smart enough to stop working as a nurse. I was always conscious of how hard I worked to achieve my nursing license and never wanted to jeopardize it. I started to date my dealer and we both sold pills. Selling turned into making flights to Florida with others several times a week to obtain illegal scripts, bring them back and sell them.
One night I left my apartment for a simple trip to the gas station and was pulled over for no tags. This is the first time I remember going to jail and knowing what was going to happen to my body because I was not going to have the drugs I used several times a day. I woke up injecting 160 mg of oxy just to function and every couple of hours another 80mg to maintain me throughout the day. That night I also discovered that we were being watched and the police knew my boyfriend would leave the house to get my car. He did and left my kids alone sleeping. The police waited till he arrived back and arrested him for trafficking, as well as other charges. It was a case that they had been building up for a year. It was 2009. While in jail my world came crashing down. I was detoxing and my kids were placed in foster care pending family notification.
A few days later I was released, still detoxing and with nothing. After much deliberation, I found myself somewhere to get help in Northern KY, and left to better myself. I did great for the next 2 years. I found work as a nurse again and also in a restaurant. I again thought I was ready to get out and start living again and quickly attracted the wrong friends. Instead of being strong and steadfast with my recovery, I soon fell again to using except this time it was heroin. Someone introduced it to me, explaining that because I used to do pain pills, this was the same thing but better and cheaper. I fell in love with it, quit working and started making trips back here to Ashland. I had now abandoned my kids because of guilt and the anger I had for myself and my decisions. In 2011 I was addicted again and selling again. I moved back here to Ashland and the bath salts epidemic rose. I did and sold that as well. Eventually my life had very quickly spiraled out of control again and I was making an even bigger mess. By this point I was doing whatever I could get my hands on. Then I found out I was pregnant again and homeless. My boyfriend was locked up and I had no one. I had separated myself from my family because of the horrible person I had become. I tried ending my life with a shot that should’ve killed me but it didn’t. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted so desperately to stop but physically I could not because my body would torture me. Writhing in pain, vomiting, diarrhea. My boyfriend got out and we tried to live a normal life without drugs but it still drew us in. I gave birth and we had for the most part become clean. Yes we still used, but not as much, until one day, our friends/dealers were locked up and it was then we decided it was done. We stopped chasing the drugs and worked hard to keep it that way. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and we had done it. Not without struggle, but we did.
Even though we quit doing drugs, I still dealt with a lot of depression and regret for time lost and the hurt I had caused those who loved me. In 2014 I started going to church at Christ Temple in Huntington and I will always remember the second time I went. I walked in the doors, found my seat and the choir began to sing, “My Chains are Broken.” It was then that I truly felt my chains had fallen from my shoulders and I was forgiven. I had learned that I forgave myself and that Jesus Christ had died for my sins. That the past was my past and I should not judge myself for it any longer.
Here I am now 2017, active in church. I took my first mission trip to Zambia, Africa to serve the people of the Gwembe Valley as a nurse in the hospital there. Eventually I will get back to nursing when I can afford to get my license back but for now I am blessed with two jobs and surrounded by people who do not judge me for my past. I have a family who loves me and a future to look forward to. I also do what I can, when I can, to help those that struggle with addiction. I am a servant of God, who has given me a second chance at really living life.
My aha moment
Around my birthday, I was going to use and had saved money to buy something to celebrate. Birthdays are supposed to be days where there is not a care in the world and you can do whatever you want. I had a hundred or so to spend. After making arrangements to get some drugs, I gave them my money and watched it drive down the street. With each passing hour, I just thought, AHA I’m over this life. I was sick of getting ripped off, wasting money and time. Even just that celebration was ridiculous.
Feelings and emotions in active addiction:
Extreme anger, depression, and frustration of my lack of self-control and my inability to just stop using! I despised myself with every stick! I was my own slave.
The driving force that keeps me going when times get tough.
My father, my ABBA, my Lord, my GOD, Jesus Christ my Savior for He died for my sins. He washed me clean with His blood!
Advice for the addict still struggling.
Don’t ever give up! You are worthy. You might feel like you can never stop, or make it, or you’ll always be judged. Yes you can stop but it’s so much easier with help. You can make it wherever you want to go. You can do anything with a sober mind. I’d lie if I said you wouldn’t be judged but I have only one judge and He is Jesus Christ.
What obstacles or road blocks have you faced in your recovery?
Mentally I’ve dealt with some anxiety and depression. Lots at first, but with every passing day that has turned into years, it’s almost nonexistent. I focus on the good and happiness of life. I know I have a future of good ahead and I put all faith in Jesus. He is who sustains me, honestly.
What is something you want people who never struggled with addiction to know.
Not every addict is the same as the next. Addiction does not discriminate!
It can be a doctor, lawyer, teacher, mother, father, aunt uncle, nurse, fast food worker, coal miner, single mother. Anyone.
What advice do you have for family members of a person in addiction?
Love with your heart truthfully and care for someone. Family is really family, friends are really friends. Don’t ever give up hope. Someday they could have their own AHA moment.
Closing Thoughts
I’m more at peace with now with my life and my sobriety then I really have ever been. My biggest demon in fighting sobriety was forgiving myself. Once I did, I found out that my sins were already washed away by the blood of Jesus Christ and He wants to see me become the woman I am. I am a nurturer, care giver, and helper of mankind. When I realized I can be and am forgiven, and then found my purpose in life, I knew I was ok. Someday I have real emotional days because I’m not where I know I should be and some people, some of the closet people still judge me. But I know I’ll get there. My path has a purpose and I walk in faith. I pray and give thanks every single day for the air in my lungs and sobriety. Yes I believe in prayer and I pray daily for those who were in the chains of addiction, I pray that those chains are broken.
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
There is hope. There is help.