Our 33rd spotlight in the FACES OF HOPE: WE DO RECOVER series will focus on Jason Emerson’s story, “The Miracle Finally Happened.”
As I look back on my childhood, my addiction to drugs and alcohol should come as no surprise to anyone. However, as an addict, I was always the last to know. Everyone else saw it on me before I was willing to see it myself.
As a child, I grew up in a very abusive, alcohol ridden home. My father was a terribly violent man, who found any excuse he could not only to drink, but to abuse my mother in front of my siblings and I. There were times when I found myself terrified, not just for my life, but for my entire families’. The few times I tried to step in and stop the physical abuse, I only made it worse for my mother. Whenever the fighting began, I would isolate myself in my room. I was the oldest of all my siblings, so they would always come to me to try and make it stop. This enraged me, because I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. How could I make these feelings stop? How can I just get one moment of peace in this hell I’m living?
At the age of 9, a close family member introduced me to marijuana. This was my very first experience with drugs, and I have to say, it gave me the peace I had been so desperately seeking. No longer did I scream and yell at my brothers and sisters when they would come to me for consoling. I was able to handle it calmly. Finally, something was working. However, I did not realize at the time I was walking a path of destruction that would take years to escape.
Unfortunately, I continued this path for many years. My using brought consequences that never seemed to matter to me. However, at 25, I experienced pain like never before. I lost my 9-year-old daughter, and with that, the rest of what sanity remained. She passed away as a direct result of someone else’s addiction. I had become completely engulfed with self-destruction. Desperation and loneliness were the only two adjectives to describe me at this time.
DESCRIBE AHA MOMENT
Many more drugs and many consequences later, the miracle finally happened! As I lay in bed holding my son, the desperation and hopelessness finally took over. My thoughts were racing, and for the first time in my life, I really didn’t want to live that life anymore. I did the only thing I could do, I cried out to God. I asked him to take this away from me; drugs, alcohol, pain, all of it. But for the first time, I heard God answer. “Jason, I want you without the drugs and alcohol.” At that time, I made my decision. I finally realized it was not just the drugs and alcohol, it was everything about myself that needed change. My life was unmanageable with the same beliefs and actions, so they had to go.
DESCRIBE THE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS WHILE IN ACTIVE ADDICTION
Two emotions controlled my entire life while in active addiction: fear and hopelessness. All of the other feelings (anger, darkness, depression, etc.) stemmed from fear alone. As for the hopelessness, I firmly believed that there was no escape for me. I had caused too much pain, burned too many bridges, and destroyed too many people to ever recover. There was no positivity in my life, only pain and darkness.
WHAT IS THE DRIVING FORCE THAT KEEPS YOU GOING WHEN TIMES GET TOUGH?
The same God that answered me the night of my most desperate hour continues to be the driving force in my recovery. I believe Jesus Christ is my savior, and because of his selflessness, I am able to stay the course. Faith continues to be the most integral ingredient of my recovery. Any time I go through trials and tribulations, I see it as God only strengthening my testimony to reach more and more suffering addicts. I cannot express what my faith and works have done for me in words, but the continuing betterment of my life speaks for itself.
WHAT OBSTACLES OR ROADBLOCKS HAVE YOU ENCOUNTERED ALONG YOUR RECOVERY JOURNEY?
Throughout my recovery, I have learned that every day there are new obstacles to overcome. We must realize, that through every obstacle we overcome, there is growth to be had. Not every obstacle has to be looked at in a negative manner. Whether it is opening up and talking about the death of my daughter, home abuse, overcoming fears, controlling my emotions, or learning to forgive, I continue to be blessed every time I face these obstacles head on with God at my side.
WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WANT PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER STRUGGLED WITH ADDICTION TO KNOW?
I would like people to understand that those of us who become stuck in active addiction do not want to cause pain, we are simply in bondage. Chained away in the prison of our own minds, we are constantly facing an internal struggle of survival. For most of us, we are continually looking for a way out. Please understand, we were not born inherently evil, but fatally sick.
WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR FAMILY MEMBERS OF A PERSON IN ACTIVE ADDICTION?
Never cease to love these people. Remember, they did not ask for this any more than you asked for the pain that comes with it. Educate yourself; try to learn as much as you can about the disease of addiction. Practice empathy, realize just how much pain they are in. This can be overcome, but it is a process. Always meet people exactly where they are.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
I cannot express enough gratitude for the opportunities I have been gifted through the grace of God. So many miracles have been bestowed upon me, and I will always continue fighting for the addict who still suffers. If you are struggling with this deadly disease, please, do not give up before the miracle happens. They are coming, be willing to accept them!
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
There is hope. There is help.