Our 41st spotlight in the FACES OF HOPE: WE DO RECOVER series will focus on Will Lockwood’s story “From Darkness to Light.”
I grew up in a loving family. Anything I could have ever wanted in life, anything I wanted to be or do, I could have been. On one side of my family was accomplished attorneys and on the other side was Master’s degrees. Nothing traumatic ever took place at home. It was the picture-perfect childhood. I spent the majority of my adolescent years staying with my grandparents. There was one rule and that was to make good grades, and I could basically do what I wanted to do. Looking back now, it was a breeding ground for manipulation and getting what I wanted. I was no stranger to the Word of God. My mother took me to church where I was active in my youth group. I spent some time on missions across the country. It was there when I realized my purpose in life was to serve others. At 13, I went before my church congregation and told them I felt led into the mission field.
Months after that, I slowly drifted away from my calling. I distanced myself away from God. I remember my first drink at the age of 13, coupled with the ever famous, “gateway drug,” marijuana. It wowed me. I felt as though I had arrived somewhere. Little did I know I was dabbling in a world that wasn’t for me, and it would almost take my life. The disease progressed at the age of 15, when I tried cocaine and in that same year prescription opioids. I can distinctly remember at the age of 16 standing in my grandparent’s bathroom at 3am, watching blood roll down from my nose, and thinking to myself, “What is wrong with you?” The party didn’t stop for a guy like me. I went to the utmost extreme, coupled with this empty void inside of me that I could only fill for some time with drug use.
I began experiencing immediate consequences as a direct result of my drug use. My grades fell, and the sports I played came second. Drugs were running the show. I was locked up my junior and senior year for stealing from my family to supply my drug habit. It was inside of this juvenile institution where I first heard a message of recovery.
It was there I made the honest admission I was a drug addict.
However, after taking the ACT and being accepted into Marshall University, treating my illness wasn’t a top priority. I was 18 years old and now could make decisions for myself. The party was on…
From 18 to 23 years old, my life was a blur. I had crossed all of the “yets” off of my list. I was in and out of countless institutions, jail, and overdosed on four separate occasions. By this time, I had pushed everyone and everything out of my life that was positive. I began to believe my family and 2-year-old son, at the time, would be better off without me. I began to believe the lies, the guilt, shame, and remorse that I either told myself or carried around. I set out on a mission to end my life during the last two weeks of my active drug use. I overdosed three times in that two-week period in which I was either revived with Narcan, or for the final time, being awakened in a bathtub by my drug dealer who was beating on my chest. I was consumed by darkness.
Describe your AHA moment
I woke up from my final overdose to, “Will! Will! Wake up!” While staggering out of the motel bathroom that my drug dealer just saved my life in, I caught my reflection in a dirty mirror that hung on the wall. I can remember hearing my own voice inside my head saying, “Will, look at you. You are a son. You are a father. You know what to do. Reach out for help. Leave and leave now.” I have had many AHA moments along my journey, but this one was God (whom I resented more than anything) using my voice to speak to me. After all, I was on a mission to end my life. This wasn’t me. I wanted to die.
Describe the feelings and emotions while in active addiction
The only emotions I felt at the end of my drug use were shame, regret, loneliness, dereliction, degradation, and I was consumed with FEAR.
What is the driving force that keeps you going when times get tough?
There are many things in my life today, as a direct result of sobriety, that I use as motivation. If anyone tells you that sobriety is easy… well, God bless them, but for me today, I am capable of seeing the bigger picture. I see how selfish/self-centered I was in active addiction and today I oversee and operate a program with 75 men looking up to me as an example. I have a city who is hopelessly lost in the middle of this epidemic that needs someone to speak life into some of the most difficult situations. I have a family that loves and cares about me. I have a five-year-old son who needs his father. I have a fiancé who needs a partner and the ultimate driving force, which allows me the opportunity to keep going is God.
What obstacles or roadblocks have you encountered along your recovery journey?
I have buried a great deal of amazing men and women as a direct result of this disease. I had to deal with the loss of my Grandfather, who was my hero. Because of the harm I caused my family, they asked I not attend his funeral. That was difficult. I never was able to make direct amends to him. My support group carried me through that difficult time. Times when, I should have, or would have gotten high, God would show up. The only obstacles/ roadblocks I encounter today are ones that I allow to either stop me or slow down my progress. Honestly, with God at the center of anything, there is nothing WE can’t do.
What is something you want people who have never struggled with addiction to know?
Educate yourselves. Regardless of whether you think addiction/alcoholism is a disease or a choice, the fact remains we are at risk to lose an entire generation from this. Love, empathy, and compassion go a long way when dealing with folks who are in a fight for their lives. Love someone, without conditions.
What advice do you have for the family members of a person in active addiction?
Don’t enable your loved one. What may seem like help could potentially harm them. Call professionals who have been in your loved one’s shoes. Take their advice. Love them to life, not to death.
Closing thoughts
9/4/14 is the day my life changed. Soon, WE will celebrate three years of sobriety. I didn’t do this alone. Today, I have an amazing life that is second to none. I am a leader, a father, a son, and a full-time college student pursuing a degree in Law. I am a fiancé. I am a productive member of society. I pay taxes. This is all a direct result of allowing God to show up in my life, following suggestions from those who had my best interest, and through self-examination of the Twelve Steps. I was once lost in darkness and today I stand in the sunlight of the Spirit. If I can do this, you can too. You’re worth it. Reach out for help!
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
There is hope. There is help.
Will Lockwood is the Director of Operations for Lifehouse, located in Huntington, WV. Lifehouse is a therapeutic community organization created to help men and women recover from alcoholism and substance abuse. You can contact Lifehouse on the web at http://www.thelifehousewv.com or call 304.429.LIFE.