Our second spotlight in the ‘FACES OF HOPE: WE DO RECOVER’ series will focus on Salina Wells’ story, You Really Can Cry Happy Tears.
…I began using drugs and drinking when I was 9 years old. I began to use mind altering substances daily by the age of 13. By the time I was 17, I was in constant search for the next big high; I would do or try anything.
I did not think I had a problem, I just liked to have fun, and partying was fun. I managed to become a paramedic, and through that process I stayed clean and sober for the most part. Then I was in an accident and shattered my foot. After surgery, 6 months in a cast and 3 more in a boot, I had the golden ticket and my doctor wrote me endless scripts for pain medication. My obsession was once again full force before I even realized I was addicted.
I had my son, and I was able to stay clean again and did well for a while. By the time I had my daughter, I was not able to completely stop using, and I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I did as little as I possibly could and hated myself everyday more and more. I have never felt more hopeless. Thank God my daughter was born without withdrawals or signs of addiction. This is not normal; God truly had his hand on her.
During this time, I lost my paramedic license due to my drug use. God had been moving in my life for those five years. After many events, he placed me next door to a little church and thanks to VBS the kids and I began to attend. I had no idea who God was and thought you were an idiot if you believed, but my daughter kept asking to go. For a year, I held on to the seat and bawled during altar call. I finally asked God to clear a path so I could have peace in my heart and life.
When I ended up in the drunk tank the first day of my daughter’s kindergarten year, I lost temporary custody of her. I finally asked my family to help not get me out of trouble but send me to rehab. I had hit my bottom and knew I could not live another day like this. My mom told me she could not help me, only God could help me. I picked up a bible my stepdad had sent me and it opened to John 5:8. “Jesus saith unto him, Rise, take up thy bed, and walk.” I was stunned at what I read. I flipped again and landed on Mark 5:34. “And he (Jesus) said unto her, Daughter thy faith hath made you whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.” I got on my knees with a tiny measure of faith, and I asked God into my life and begged him to remove the obsession to use from me.
That was August 3, 2013. This day is still my sobriety date, and I have been set free from addiction. Growing up in AA meetings, I knew they worked. I went to meetings, started working the 12 step program, as it is suggested, and attended church every chance I got. Also, I sought counseling. I was homeless and jobless, had lost both of my children, and the support of my family. Today, three years later, I have a beautiful relationship with God, my children, and my family. I have a great roof over my head, and I am blessed to work as a Peer Support Specialist and residential staff at Karen’s Place. I have truly found peace in me and who I am.
My aha moment
I think my aha moment was the first day I woke up and just lived a normal day. I did not wake up sick or thinking I need to get high to face life. I woke up early, played outside all day with my daughter, and snuggled in for a movie when it hit me – this is real. I am truly free from active addiction. I do not have to live that way anymore. That was the happiest moment in my entire life. My daughter had no idea why, but we went out into the yard and did cartwheels. That was the first time I can remember laughing truly from the pit of my stomach out of pure joy, and I learned that you really can cry happy tears. I knew from that moment, I would do whatever it took to keep that peace and joy.
Feelings and emotions in active addiction:
I felt self-hatred, lonely, shame, guilt, hopeless, depressed, suicidal, isolated, angry, selfish, self-pity, stressed, entitled – anything but normal. To be honest, any emotion or feeling that is the opposite of good.
The driving force that keeps me going when times get tough.
I have many things that keep me going. I know today, I can choose to pick up and use, but I will die if I do. I have been blessed to finally be the mother my children deserve, to be a daughter, aunt, and granddaughter. I am not willing to give that up today. I know I have a God who will see me through any trial and bring me out stronger on the other side. I remember how I never stopped chasing dope when I felt sick. Today when I get weak, I chase the solution just as hard as I used to chase dope. I know God has a greater purpose for me, and the answer to all my problems He has placed at my feet.
Advise for the addict still struggling.
There is hope no matter how far down you have gone – you can recover. Know that after the sickness leaves and healing begins, beauty will come from the ashes. Yes, you will have to change everything about your life, but I promise it is better than you can ever dream possible. It is not easy to begin, but it is completely worth it. Choose recovery because you are worth it!
What obstacles or road blocks have you faced in your recovery?
It was very hard to change “people, places, and things.” Being from such a small town, I ran into temptation daily. I had to accept not everyone will forgive me for what I have done and that’s okay. Cleaning up the mess has been hard, and it is an ongoing process.
What is something you want people who never struggled with addiction to know.
No one wakes up one morning and says “I want to be an addict.” Today drug and alcohol use is a normal part of society. Some people can score some dope or drink like a fish on the weekends and be responsible, or have one or two during the week and be fine. We all think we fall into that category. Once we realize we don’t, it’s usually too late to walk away. One thing that makes me feel like screaming is when people say, “If you loved (insert name here) you would stop.” Once we reach a certain point, we do not love ourselves and have lost the concept of love. We are all taught you have to love yourself before you can love others or be loved. Never judge, because addiction can happen to anyone. The next addict may be your child or grandchild. Addiction does not care if you’re a lawyer, doctor, paramedic, police officer, social worker, fast food worker, construction worker, a preacher’s child, or the president. It sees no color or economic background. The only solution to this problem is giving hope and love to everyone. Do not just sit around and criticize. Stand up and say, “This is sad. What can I do to help?”
What advise do you have for family members of a person in addiction?
It is okay to say no when an addict asks for $10 because they are hungry. They know you’ll buy food so they spend their money on dope. Always think, if I hand them this and they overdose – I helped kill them. I know it’s harsh, but it’s real. If they get hungry enough, they will eat one way or another. Sometimes, they have to hit bottom before they can come back up. The best thing my mother ever did for me was say “No.” Know that for some, unfortunately bottom is death and that’s not your fault. If they call 30 times to go to rehab take them and drop them off 30 times, but don’t pick them up unless they complete the program. Some of us get it the first time, but most of us don’t. Know that recovery is a lifelong process, it requires certain things to prevent relapse. Support those things, do not discourage them, even if you don’t understand why. There are celebrate recovery meetings and Al-anon meetings everywhere and offer great support for you as a loved one.
Closing Thoughts
I do not believe there is one person in Lawrence County who has not been affected by drugs or alcohol in some way. I would like to see our community come together and truly fight against addiction. We could win back our county and hopefully spread hope across the nation. I pray we can one day be known for our fight against addiction rather than the stigma Eastern Kentucky is battling now.
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
There is hope. There is help.