Our 40th spotlight in the FACES OF HOPE: WE DO RECOVER series will focus on Ashley McCarty DuFour’s story, “Progress not Perfection.”
My story lets others know that addiction does not discriminate. It does not matter if you are rich or poor, educated, uneducated, where you are going or where you have been. My hometown is London, Ky. I was brought up in a loving, caring, two parents, one sister, and God-fearing family. I was a perfect attendance, straight-A student all throughout elementary, middle, and high school. I graduated high school in 2000 with honors and received the KY Educational Excellence Scholarship all four years of college. I wanted to be close to my family so I stayed in London and went to a two-year college, Somerset Community.
I received my Associates Degree in the Arts and graduated with a 3.9 GPA in 2002. I transferred to Eastern Kentucky University where I graduated with honors as Magna Cum Laude and received a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology in 2004. Within six months of graduating at the age of 22, I received a career opportunity from a pharmaceutical company, Sanofi Aventis, working in the cardiovascular field making over $100,000 a year. I began to travel the world. That was when my addiction was ignited by my drug of choice which was pain pills. Near the end of my addiction it didn’t matter what substance it was if it took me out of reality. The temporary and sometimes permanent substitution of other drugs for the primary drug of choice shows the progression of the disease and how every addict falls further down the spiral of addiction.
My addiction was not one that was passed down through my family tree. My addiction did not come about as a salve for painful emotional states, although eventually using was my only release. My addiction began with envision of heightened success. All my life I had battled with perfectionism in a sense. I desired to be the best, I desired to be perfect. I was about to learn what I thought was possible was the impossible. I started achieving great success in my life through my career, wealth and travels around the world to places such as Hawaii, Italy and France. As my success grew my addiction progressed coupled with other destructive behaviors. I eventually lost my career due to my addiction which sent me and my drug use spiraling out of control. I was a compulsive drug user. Now my addiction had led me from pain pills to cocaine to crystal meth. I continued the use of drugs despite the obvious harmful effects and the neglects of the various aspects of my life like my hygiene, all relationships, work, and my home, anything I thought might interfere with my drug use. I went from living in a 5,000-square foot home driving a Lexus and a Hummer to living back and forth from a car to a metal building with no electric or plumbing, no money, and on the run from my family. Again, addiction does not discriminate. We as addicts may not share the same story but we have all felt the same pain. Nothing mattered anymore. All I wanted to do was fall asleep and never wake up. Along with my addiction came my overwhelming and uncontrollable depression. Every day was a battle for me and some days were just a battle to breathe.
I knew I had to do something radically different with my life. In other words, a lot of realizations occurred but that was only following a long period of denial. I didn’t realize I was addicted until I tried to stop. I had a serious problem and I needed help. I got help through jail and then an institution, Cumberland Hope, KY Recovery Center in Harlan, KY. I stayed at the center for 11 months. I graduated the program and gave back to the center and stayed to help as a Peer Mentor. The Hope Center didn’t give me my old life back, it gave me a new life. I learned to love myself unconditionally the same way I love the ones closest to me despite their faults. I realized that perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order and a large part of my addiction. I know that I am not alone in this battle and that there is a solution. Today I live in that solution. I let go of my past and I have forgiven myself. I am beginning again with a new attitude and zest for life. Today I am willing to take direction and advice. Grace stepped in and saved me from my addiction and I know that Grace meets us where we are, but does not leave us where it found us. For that I am eternally grateful.
On July 20, 2017, I will celebrate four years clean. I must remind myself that my sobriety comes one day at a time. I have come to understand over these past four years that sometimes you don’t realize the weight of something you’ve been carrying until you feel the weight of its release. When I look back at my past, I know today that it does not define me or my future. However, I don’t want to forget my past so that I will remember I don’t ever want to go back. Today I do not have a fear of the future. I know that everything in this world happens for a reason and nothing by mistake. I live in the present because I know tomorrow is never promised. For someone like me whom has been given a second chance at life, I make sure that today is beautiful so it will be worth remembering. Through the process of recovery, I have learned that life is a journey and on my journey, I want to bring out now what lies within me to the suffering addict so they too can see there is hope for the hopeless and help for the helpless. I have found the void in my life that was once filled with drugs is made whole by giving back to those who are still suffering. This is my passion and I know that my story is the key that can unlock someone else’s prison. I am a different person now than before and I want to share my experience, strength and hope with others. Battling the disease of addiction changes a person. I came to the point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want others who are still suffering to know that no one is too broken or too far gone to create change. I want them to know they should never stop fighting. You are what you choose to become. I want to inspire others. I want someone to look at me and say, “Because of you I didn’t give up.” I feel blessed that I no longer have a secret, but instead I have a story.
Describe your AHA moment
After sitting in jail and running from a rehab then being put pack in jail and then put in another rehab, I had my moment! It was not after I lost my career as a pharmaceutical representative…. It was not after I lost my apartment and was living in my car…it was not after I was using the bathroom in a bucket…it was not after all my family had disowned me…it was after I was court ordered to rehab…. I was doing the whole “fake it till you make it” thing. I kept being told again and again that I was powerless, this I did not want to accept. One day I finally surrendered to my disease and God. I was in the shower and I started crying. I was so overwhelmed and tired of trying to manipulate everything in my life. I got down on my knees and began to pray to God. When I looked up at the faucet (the brand was Peerless) I saw the word POWERLESS….I knew at that moment I had to give everything to God and let him have control.
Describe the feelings and emotions while in active addiction
I hated myself when I was in active addiction. All I ever wanted was to die. I prayed to God every day to take me from the world that I had created. Like they say, thank God for unanswered prayers. I felt so alone. I can remember being in my apartment and just sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth crying to God and begging him to help me. I was in a constant state of depression. I was empty on the inside.
What is the driving force that keeps you going when times get tough?
My spirituality keeps me going. Prayer keeps me alive. I get through every situation saying “Everything happens for a reason, nothing by mistake in God’s world.” I know that I must have acceptance in all things. Knowing that I have God by my side keeps me going. There are days when I can literally feel God’s arms around me
What obstacles or roadblocks have you encountered along your recovery journey?
My biggest obstacle would have to be that I have a dual diagnosis. I suffer from substance abuse disorder along with Bipolar Disorder. I suffer the most from the anxiety that goes along with the diagnosis. After I got out of jail and rehab I had major social anxiety. I had to deal with my Bipolar by going to the doctor so that my anxiety could be addressed. I must say that now it is controlled. I have not had any major depression or anxiety attacks. There are times when it will still creep up in areas of my life. Like my addiction, I had to give this to God because there were times that I was so anxious I wanted to use to make it go away. I stress to others that suffer with a dual diagnosis to also reach out for help. If one of the underlying issues is not dealt with you will relapse. Addiction is holistic, mind, body and spirit. When one is out of balance then they all are.
What is something you want people who have never struggled with addiction to know?
I want others to know that the things that are done in active addiction are because the individual is sick from the disease. The lying, manipulating, stealing and destructive behaviors are part of this disease not part of the person. I want others to know that we are not our disease. I also want others to know that addiction does not discriminate. It can affect anyone. It does not care about your gender, age, race, sexuality, economic situation, none of that matters. This disease is not picky; it can pick you or anyone that you love.
What advice do you have for the family members of a person in active addiction?
Don’t enable. Don’t pat them on the butt. If I had been patted on the butt, I would still be getting high today. Tough love is a must. Also, as the Alcoholics Anonymous book states, don’t set your heart on trying to reform someone in active addiction. You may be unable to do so no matter how hard you try. Love them don’t judge them.
Closing thoughts
Just because you get clean does not mean that life is going to be picture perfect. There are still battles to fight. Mine are mostly in my own head. There will be times that your emotions will get the best of you. They say that the best thing about getting clean is getting your emotions back and the worst thing about getting clean is getting your emotions back. The key thing to remember is that now you are not alone. You can do this…Life is going to happen but you can do this, you can get through this. You are not alone because God is with you every step of the way, he always has been. Just because you don’t see God standing beside you doesn’t mean that he is not there, maybe he is carrying you.
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
There is hope. There is help.
