Our ninth spotlight in the FACES OF HOPE: WE DO RECOVER series will focus on Kylen Webb’s story, Darkness Turned to Light.
The Canvas: My Story of Darkness Turned To Light
Our lives are a canvas painted by our creator who takes stained glass of heartache from our past and splashes hope, purpose, and identity, creating His masterpiece, person by person, soul by soul. My canvas of heartache really began when I started seeking something, anything, to fill a great void in my soul. I knew there was something more to life but it would be a great journey to find out what, or rather who it was that I was truly seeking. Broken, confused, hopeless, numb, tormented, are just a few adjectives that cannot even come close to describe the torture that my mind, body, and spirit went through prior to November 2012.
Growing up I cannot say I had a ‘’bad” childhood. Yes my parents divorced when I was two, and yes I had plenty of challenges, but looking at my story compared to many I had a amazing childhood with great loving people all around me. At an early age I began to be curious of many things and I started my void filling journey. It led me to an addiction with pornography, to tobacco, to alcohol, then came drugs.
Hanging with an older crowd and my friend’s older brothers I began the use of marijuana regularly and fell into a false love relationship. I never knew the role it would play in my life but later on it ruled my every waking moment. Growing, dealing, and using her daily my Love affair lead into an even darker dungeon of addictions. After high school was the beginning of the separation between two lives I was attempting to live. On one side I was a “good” Morehead State University student, outgoing, compassionate, and excited to pursue a business degree, but on the other side I was dealing dope, using, and experimenting with many drugs, and getting as many people as I could to partake in my demise. Balancing friendships, school, and my thrill seeking lifestyle was something I simply could not do, the dark side of my life was starting to dominate my thoughts and life. I dropped out of school and moved in with two good friends, leaving everything behind. I became numb to my feelings and started separating myself from childhood friends and family whom I was very close to.
The drugs, hate, and numb side was taking over my mother’s blonde hair, blue eyed, baby boy. Many times running from the cops, dealing drugs on a college campus, trips across state lines with large amounts of drugs was the start of the next layer to my dark painting. The use of acid, mushrooms, speed, opiates, cocaine, and pretty much anything else I could find was becoming a daily habit. At this point I was living in a grow house with two friends and looking for any adrenaline I could. I was getting into physical altercations frequently, and also began noticing a strange darkness in my eyes. I remember gazing at myself in the mirror after many hours of being awake and thinking is Kylen still there?
Shortly after this encounter I began to experience a very intense depression and lost the will to live. I could care less of putting myself in harm’s way, packing a gun to every drug deal, looking for that next moment where I felt alive instead of simply existing. I finally broke. My mind began to control me instead of me controlling my mind. I began to experience many strange thoughts and behaviors, and it became too much. Earlier in my life three years prior at the age of eighteen I had experienced similar thoughts but these were much more intense. But then it happened.
Not like when I was a boy at the age of thirteen, not like ever before I heard something, someone, speak to me in such a way I knew they knew me. Like really knew me. Not like my mom who gave birth, but like someone that could tell you my every thought, even the amount of hairs on my head. It was strange as I heard a voice tell me “Take a shower.” As i was contemplating the validity of this voice I decided to go ahead and roll with it, even though I had just had one earlier in the morning. As I entered into an apartment I was renting paid for by drug money in Morehead, KY, I went to take the shower. Then something happened. Something that would change the direction of my life, forever.
As the water was coming down over me, thoughts of my past, moments that I was in harm’s way, and various experiences came to mind. I heard again the same voice that told me to get into the shower, “Kylen, I was with you every time, protecting you.” As I came to myself and realized this was not just my mind playing tricks, I knew with every cell in me my Father was speaking to me. I swiped that curtain over and fell into the bathroom floor. I realized that I came into the world with nothing and I was leaving this world with nothing unless I had this relationship. I instantly knew a change had taken place, I went from believing in a creator to knowing him. Jesus extended mercy to me over two thousand years ago but was speaking to me in November 2012 about it and I believed truly for the very first time in His cross and resurrection.
He gave me a will to leave it all behind, the drugs, the false me, and offered me the life I was created for. Louisa, KY was the place I heard to go and I followed his leading. Just a short week later God had made a way for me to get plugged into a local church, meet my Pastor Rick May, who discipled me along with the Holy Spirit, and gave me a place to live with my Godmother (I could’ve went to my parent’s house but I heard Louisa and that’s where I went). Since then I could tell you hundreds of God encounters and divine appointments, also faults and failures along the way. I got a job with a Louisa based Addiction Recovery company, ARC, whom I work for today as a Kentucky Peer Support Specialist.
Today I have a beautiful Wife (Lena), two amazing daughters (Lynden and Delaney), also a large, loving family. Most of all I have a burning, passionate, Hope filled, Love relationship with my Jesus. I am a minister of the only good news that can set man free, and I enjoy telling anyone who will listen my personal story of how Jesus came into my darkness and offered me His glorious Light. Now my life is a canvas, painted by my creator, who took stained glass of heartache from my past and splashed hope, purpose, and identity each day, I AM His masterpiece. Thank you JESUS!
What was your “aha moment?”
When I realized my mind was starting to control me and my thought life was out of control something clicked, I knew something better was in store for me, but the “aha moment” was when I had the shower encounter with God.
Describe the feelings you experienced while in active addiction.
Feelings of hopelessness, depressed, and shame. I knew I had so much potential to make my loved ones proud, but I just couldn’t get away from that life. I felt stuck and like I was a walking dead man.
What is the driving force that keeps you going when times get tough?
My daily conversation with Holy Spirit. He is my guide in this life. God is the only force that can keep me. Knowing He is a Good Father and He is always for me, helps a lot.
What advice do you have for the addict that is still struggling?
YOU ARE LOVED AND YOU MATTER! GOD IS WITH YOU AND FOR YOU.
What obstacles or roadblocks have you encountered along your recovery journey?
Just the ups and downs life throws at you. Most people in addiction wouldn’t tell you this but I happen to believe we are “feelers” our emotions can get the best of us. We used to numb them, but by doing that we couldn’t feel the good feelings either. Dealing with emotions and feeling again can be tough.
What is something you want people who have never struggled with addiction to know?
Addiction does not make you a bad person, it makes you a sick person, not a bad person.
What advice do you have for family members of person in active addiction?
Connect with your loved one and Love them, no matter what. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is connection.
Closing thoughts:
God’s Love is the answer to our problems on this earth, when we can see him for the Good Father He is, and see ourselves as his children, life stops being about something you do and strive to do right, and it becomes what it was intended to be , a radical Love experience with The Family of God.
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
There is hope. There is help.
