Our twenty first spotlight in the FACES OF HOPE: WE DO RECOVER series will focus on April Wise’s story, “Coming Back to Life by God’s Grace”
My name is April Wise. To explain who I am makes me pretty nervous because even though I’m not the person I was, “that” story that is a huge part of me. See, I wasn’t born with an addicted mother or an addicted father. I wasn’t abused or neglected as a child. I had a mother that tucked me in a warm bed at night and a father that worked very hard for our family. My mother took me to church and I went to vacation bible school. My dad was a tobacco and cattle farmer and my mom ran a day care out of our home for years. I was very proud of both my parents. I remember when I was in the third or fourth grade having to talk about our fathers at school and what they did for a living. I was just so proud to talk about him and thought I had the best dad out of all the other kids in the class and to this day I still do. I was an only child for eleven years and on my eleventh birthday and Halloween my baby brother was born. He was a total blessing to our family for sure and probably one of the cutest babies ever. Except for his own baby girl… Who am I kidding I loved him but yes he was a handful and he loved to torture me! I’m pretty sure we tortured each other at times but just like my parents I adored my brother. I still do. He’s actually been more of a big brother to me as I’ve gotten older and he’s a wonderful father.
I say all this however, we all know that no family is perfect. Every family has fighting, divorce, and ups and downs that are a part of our lives. I too had some events that I don’t like to think of or remember. Things I should have talked to my parents about that I didn’t. Still, none of those things were enough to say that’s the reason I became a drug addict.
My teenage years were pretty normal until they weren’t. I remember the first time I had a drink of alcohol. I was probably seventeen and it was fun to me. Smoking my first joint was fun to me but scary at the same time because I didn’t know much about it and had no idea if the person driving could get us home safe that night. My friends use to laugh at me because no matter what we did I still worried all the time about our well being and safety which was pretty ironic. Getting into bars under age and all those reckless ideas of being around people I knew my parents didn’t approve of seemed fun. At the time, I slid by through high school and I barely graduated. Also, looking back I was being pretty dishonest with my parents about how my life was really going. I lied about my grades, where I was going, and even though things were okay at this point I had no idea where experimenting with drinking and having “fun” were about to take me.
After high school I made an attempt at college and this is where I experienced cocaine for the first time. This made going to class and making good grades pretty hard. At the age of twenty-one I got my first DUI. I was pretty sure my dad would kill me but he didn’t. Just about every mistake I made after this I always had in my mind that my dad would kill me. He may have been hard on me but it was never as bad as I thought. Looking back the things I put my family through is enough to make anyone crazy. I honestly don’t know how they did it. After my attempt at college I got married and had my first daughter. My addiction at this point was still just a work in progress. I was still able to work and function as they call it. I continued to drink mainly on the weekends with my then husband and just maintained. We went on to have a second child and when my girls were three and five we divorced. This was a pretty traumatic event in my life . My girls and I picked up and moved on, but I did not handle my life well after this point at all. Not like I had been handling it well anyway. At this point I discovered pain medication. I had been given pain pills once before in my life time and this was right after I had my first daughter. I’ll never forget the feeling it gave me. A rush I would continue to chase for years. I would have lengths of sobriety but life really spiraled down hill from here. I had these two beautiful girls that should have clearly been enough for me and I still couldn’t stop. I did things and hurt people that I never thought I would. I stole from my family, friends, and anyone else for that matter. A consequence in my mind didn’t matter because I wanted to feel that next high. I would get into good relationships and ruin them because of my using. Ultimately I ended up in a horrible relationship that lasted for years and I stayed, this took my using to a whole new level. Prior to this I had years of sobriety. My self-worth was nowhere to be found and through it all I had these precious two daughters. I had been given these two gifts from God and I had broken every rule I said I never would as a mother. Worthless, ugly, and hopeless are the words that come to mind.
After several attempts of becoming sober I came to Karens Place. See, I had been there once and seemed to do well at the time but there were so many people, places, and things that I wasn’t ready to give up so I went straight back to what I knew. Straight back to what was destroying me . At this point I didn’t have to worry about losing custody of my girls, they were now teenagers and I was losing them because they were beginning to want no part of me.
So, this is the part where things begin to get better. I came back to Karen’s Place a second time and this time something was totally different. See, God had always been there throughout my life and if you will notice I’ve not mentioned God much at all through my story. When I came to Karen’s Place this time I was more broken then I’d ever been. I had hardly anything or anyone left and this was by my own doing. I did however have a God that said I was worth more than the life I was living. Funny part about it is that my mom had been telling me for years that I was worth way more then the life I was living. My mother was right. Nevertheless, God actually picked me up and brought me back to this beautiful place on this mountain and I haven’t left. He loved me back to life when I felt the ugliest. I truly never thought he could love someone like me. Someone that had practically destroyed her family and done things that seemed so unforgivable but he did and he does. There’s so much I could tell you that has happened. The main part is that I was saved by God’s good Grace and my life is coming back together like I never thought it could.
Describe your Aha moment:
My aha moment came the week before I came into treatment. I had moved onto heroin and took my destruction to a whole new level. All in one week I stole from my grandparents, almost overdosed, and was probably closer to death then I ever thought. I woke up one morning and instead of heading to work I went straight to my mother. I told her I was going to die if I didn’t do something right then. I left for Karen’s Place the next day. God carried me the whole way because prior to that I was not thinking of treatment. I’d already tried that.
Describe the feelings and emotions during active addiction:
Honestly, my feelings were pretty numb. When I wasn’t using the feelings came back and the guilt and shame took over. I hated myself and everything about me. This would be a cycle I would go through. That cycle of using to feel better than using to numb the guilt.
What is the driving force that keeps you going when times get tough?
What keeps me going is remembering where I came from and how bad it was. However, the biggest force is my family and my two girls. The simple things like a text from my daughters just talking about their day or a boyfriend. A text from my oldest daughter talking about college because we are both college students at the same time. Yes, I’m a college student! My brother asking if I’m coming home for the weekend or a text from him at all! Keeps me going. I’ve hurt them all so much and knowing they haven’t given up is unreal to me. Prayer is also what keeps me going and also being grateful for all he’s done in my life. Knowing my parents can sleep at night. All those things… Also, getting to give back and help others is a big part of my life now. I was actually hired by the treatment center I attended. Karen’s Place and ARC is a family to me now. I wake up every day loving to go to work. The people that I work with truly love God and I learn from them everyday. I have made lifelong friends right here in this sweet little town of Louisa, Kentucky. This company has helped save my life and I’m blessed to be able to work for them. My job is a big part of my recovery!
What is something that you want people who have never dealt with addiction to understand?
I would like families to understand that our addiction has nothing to do with you. I understand as families you deal with so much hurt but please know we are not purposely trying to hurt you. The other thing is please don’t ever give up on your family member. Do not enable them but don’t ever let them think there is no hope. Also, when in active addiction just know we hate ourselves. So, any love we feel from our families does not go unnoticed. I’ve lost many friends and family that I loved due to my addiction and not because they are no longer here but because I drove them away. As addicts we love our friends and families however we are incapable of showing it. Our selfishness and addiction take over. That’s no excuse but sadly it’s a reality and a regret we live with.
What advice do you have for a person’s family that’s still in active addiction?
Don’t give up on your family member. Call around and get information on treatment centers. ARC is a great facility! There’s also a new law in effect called Casey’s Law. Please look into this and utilize it if you can. As drug addicts we may kick and scream not to come into treatment but deep down there’s a person underneath wanting a new life! Lastly, pray for them and have others pray as well!
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
