Our 34th spotlight in the FACES OF HOPE: WE DO RECOVER series will focus on Kevin Bowman’s story, “Walking in Newness of Life”
As I sit in my office and reflect on the course of my life I think about the promise from my 12-step fellowship that says, “we will neither regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” I had never really noticed that that promise had come true in my life until just now. My story of what it used to be like is much like others in recovery. I started using at a young age and my disease quickly progressed. I was a full-blown addict by 16 and incarcerated at 17. I have been homeless, in jail and prisons, admitted to mental hospitals, kicked out of the military, failed out of college, I was a disappointment to my family and a burden to every community I encountered. But God has used every one of those experiences to position me and use me to help reach others. Today my family is proud of the man I am, I try to be an asset to my community, and I have the unique privilege of working with people in recovery daily through the transitional living home I own and operate in Martinsburg, WV.
DESCRIBE AHA MOMENT
The last six months of my active addiction I didn’t want to use anymore but thought I was a hopeless case and the only way out was death. I was homeless living on a beach in Jacksonville, FL and I spent almost every night praying to a God I didn’t believe in to just let me die. My girlfriend had just had an abortion because she didn’t want a child with someone who was incapable of being a father. I decided that a location change was the solution so I moved (hitchhiked) back to West Virginia to sleep on my mom’s couch. I spent the next 3-4 months in a drunken haze made worse by Xanax. I don’t remember much from this time but on March 4th, 2012 I broke into my neighbor’s house. I have no recollection of going into or exiting the house but I distinctly remember a to-do list on the refrigerator. In the middle of the list was an item that had been circled in bright red ink and had arrows pointing all around it. This item said simply “Grow closer to God!”. The next morning I was awoken by the police knocking on my door and once they had arrested me and placed me in the car I noticed the residents my neighbors standing on their front porch. The woman that lived there was bawling her eyes out while her brother tried to comfort her…I felt guilty for the first time I can remember. I recall thinking “I caused that” and I felt horrible. Later that day I was processed into the regional jail and the Dt’s had begun to take hold. I was too weak to crawl to the toilet in my cell so I laid in my own mess begging God to let me die. I was ashamed of myself and hated the person I was. Sometime that night I admitted defeat, I cried out to God with sincerity for the first time since I was a child and I told Him that I didn’t know how to change but I didn’t want to stay the same. I was willing to die if that was the only way out and I didn’t want to wake up the same man I was at that time…I remember instantly feeling peaceful. I fell asleep and woke up the next morning weak but no longer sick. I can’t explain it but I know it was an answer to my prayer, I had a power I had never felt before and a passion to overcome and help others.
DESCRIBE THE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS WHILE IN ACTIVE ADDICTION
I was a ball of pent up rage, frustration, and fear. Every word, thought, and action was driven by anger at the world for the struggles I went through as a child. I was ashamed at the “man” I was and afraid those around me would see through my act and know me for the scared boy that I was.
WHAT IS THE DRIVING FORCE THAT KEEPS YOU GOING WHEN TIMES GET TOUGH?
The author of Hebrews wrote in 12:1-3 “and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” I’ve been taught that every life experiences mountain tops and valleys. We all love the Mountain tops because we can look out at all of God’s blessings and see his guidance in our lives. The thing about Mountains though is nothing grows up there, we can look out and appreciate the view but no new growth occurs. The valleys are hated and feared because they are tough; there are times of struggle and uncertainty in every valley and we never know how long it will take us to reach the other side, but valleys are where everything grows! These times of struggle and hardship are when God is working those miracles in our lives that we enjoy so much on the heights. Today when I face valleys I remember that the same God that loved me at my worst is still working in me and perfecting me for his glory. I have faith and trust him for guidance and protection.
WHAT OBSTACLES OR ROADBLOCKS HAVE YOU ENCOUNTERED ALONG YOUR RECOVERY JOURNEY?
I came into recovery with a toxic relationship and it was very hard for me to choose my recovery over her. Eventually I made the necessary decision and let that situationship go. I have many family members that still believe that I may fail and I remind myself often that their opinion of me is none of my business. I keep my eyes on God and my heart in the task at hand and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WANT PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER STRUGGLED WITH ADDICTION TO KNOW?
In active addiction, I was incapable of the most basic things that you may take for granted. I never learned to deal with life or other people and I withdrew from them. An addict is a person going through pain and struggle much the same as you. The pain and struggle may look different but the feeling is the same. Please try to understand that we did not choose to sell our souls to a chemical but through our mistakes we became slaves and sold it all the same.
WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR FAMILY MEMBERS OF A PERSON IN ACTIVE ADDICTION?
I understand the pain and hurt you feel from wanting so much to help a loved one struggling with addiction but knowing you are completely powerless to do so. I want you to know that it is not your fault that they are the way they are and to understand that there is always hope. Please do not enable their disease but also please do not give up on them, I promise you that if God can change my life he can change anyone’s. Never stop loving them to life.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
My journey in recovery began in a cell and today I am blessed with the ability to help people get out of their captivity. I own and operate Newness of Life Lazarus House in Martinsburg, WV and get to see the miracle every day. Please do not give up on yourself because the wonder on the other side of this current valley is greater than any you have ever experienced. If I can help in any way my phone is always on and I am always available.
(304)-412-0668
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
There is hope. There is help.