Our 31st spotlight in the FACES OF HOPE: WE DO RECOVER series will focus on Jess Hinkle’s story, “From Pain to Purpose.”
As far back as I can remember there were a couple characteristics that have been with me my whole life, courage and crazy. I always craved freedom at any cost. As an elementary child I ran all over our neighborhood, from sun up to sun down (except when I was in school). With our gang of children we rode bikes, adventured, and always ended up in places we shouldn’t. I could never push my boundaries far enough or quench this driving force for more. Thankfully I grew up in the 80’s where kids could safely run the streets and all moms would watch out for them!
As a teen the desire for freedom only increased. It seems the courage and the crazy also elevated quickly. I began drinking around 15, when my friend had turned 16 and got a car. From the very first time I tried a substance that changed me, I knew I had found all I needed. From this point I began to smoke weed and very soon after would do anything that was put in front of me. By the age of 19, I had totaled my mom’s car due to being under the influence.
I left Morehead State University and moved to Columbus. I found what I thought was my true love there, Cocaine. I of course was still doing whatever was placed in front of me, but I felt as though I could not live with the absence of Cocaine. I did not eat or sleep very often and can only imagine what my appearance was like (not the selfie era thankfully!). I escaped being arrested on several occasions, always slipping though. I was even peppered spayed and placed in the back of a police car after a fight, where I was completed under the influence and was released without jail. I continually scared the dealers and people around me with how much I would do. It was never enough! I grew bored with my surroundings and moved back home and quickly realized I was not going to make it in a place of restrictions.
I ended up in the next best place, Huntington, WV. My first month there I began a relationship with a guy very involved in gang activity. One day it seems I just woke up and realized I was housing Detroit boys that used my apartment for a base to sell dope from. All having code names and talking in riddles and signs, I knew I had found myself in a dangerous situation, however I still wanted more. We had to run after months of running this ring and I knew too much to be let go. My boyfriend now became my guard, with various beatings and holding me at gunpoint until I decided I would not leave. My boyfriend, along with a friend ended up taking me to North Carolina, and it was NO vacation. We lived in his car and only ate what little bit was stolen from gas stations. The last abuse I received I blacked out from being choked and knew it was a matter of time before he beat me to death. I was stubborn enough to not allow someone else to take my life! I decided this party was over and played the part I needed to in order to completely manipulate the situation, so I could slip though their hands. I ended up in a police station waiting 6 hours for my dad and brother-in-law to come get me, as my mom and sister continued to pray. By this time I was 21 years old and carrying a baby in my womb. I was only home a few weeks and back in Columbus, not knowing I had precious cargo inside me.
- Describe your AHA moment
The moment I took a pregnancy test and realized there was a child inside my body. I wrestled with having an abortion, since no one even knew but me. Then I ended up very sick and bedfast! For 2 weeks I could only lay flat on back and think about this child on the inside. I will never discount God’s mysterious ways and how he uses ALL things for our good! By this time I had been through any withdrawals I could have had and was very clear headed. My mom called me during all this to ask me if I was pregnant because of a dream God gave her. I admitted it and once I was well I moved home. 5 months into my pregnancy I met the man I would love forever. We were both saved by the beautiful grace of God when that child was 1 month old. My life was FOREVER CHANGED!!! God knew it would take all 3 to keep me moving into a sober life.
- Describe the feelings and emotions while in active addiction
Loneliness, pain, rejection. Why could I not do enough dope that I would just not wake up? Suicide was such an alluring, continual force. I can remember not caring about death, but rather welcoming it. Even with hundreds of people around, the solitude my addiction made me feel was overwhelming. Looking back it is so amazing that I have lived through what I have. I could never put into words, the absence of any positive emotion.
- What is the driving force that keeps you going when times get tough?
Holy Spirit continually draws me now. No longer the addiction, the loneliness or suicide, but now the love and His continual presence! I had no hope of a purpose or future, but now I know that God has a plan for my life and for my husband and our 2 daughters. Again, all 3 aspects that initially helped saved my life still today keep moving me forward, My Lord, my love, and my girls.
Never having treatment, I have learned so much I could apply to myself by working in addiction. As I help those who are where I was, it in essence helps me as well.
- What obstacles or roadblocks have you encountered along your recovery journey?
The enemy knows our weaknesses and there have been times (especially early on) that I have had overwhelming brief feelings to use. I would go to my support system and be open and honest and because of that I did not feel the isolation and did not use. The enemy has no power when you place his temptations in the light.
- What is something you want people who have never struggled with addiction to know?
Addiction is hard to understand and every person has different driving factors. I personally feel the most powerful underlying emotion in those in addiction is truly loneliness. Once in the addiction you feel completely isolated, as if you are walking around with a huge cube of ice covering that no one can reach you through. Even those you are using with cannot reach you.
- What advice do you have for the family members of a person in active addiction?
The person you love wants you, but is truly in a prison that will not allow them to reach for you. They feel isolated and very alone. Addiction does not give you an option to reach out for those you love. Your family member in addiction does love you and I can assure you they hate themselves and wish they could break out. Do not give up on them, but continue to pray and search for ways to help them break out of the continual cycle of active addiction!
- Closing thoughts
To the addict: No matter how alone you feel, you are not! There are so many others who have been where you are and have walked until they found peace and sobriety. Suicide is not the answer, you have a God-given purpose for you and it is time to find it!
The pain, both physical and emotional seems like a distance memory now. One that does not hurt me that way it had for so many years. Jesus TRULY can heal those places you think will kill you.
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
There is hope. There is help.
