February 13, 2018
My name is Rosanne. I’m 30 years old. My sobriety date is December 13, 2016. This is my story…
I grew up in a home where my mother was the provider for me and my brother. She worked very hard to make sure we had the things we needed. My father was there but that’s about it. He didn’t help my mother provide for us and never showed us any positive attention. The only attention I received from him was physical or mental abuse. I was basically left to figure out how to feed and take care of my little brother while our mother worked. I now understand that he was doing the best he knew how to at the time. I spent most of my time with my grandmother to escape what was going on at home. When I was 10 my parents got divorced and my dad basically disappeared out of my life. The first few months I was going with him for visitation, but the visits kept getting fewer and fewer until there was no contact at all. This developed into what I now recognize as an abandonment issue in my life and created a void I would spend the next 15 years of my life trying to fill.
When I was 13 I was introduced to marijuana and began smoking it daily. I thought it was solving my problems, so to speak, because I wasn’t feeling my emotions anymore, until it wasn’t. At the age of 15 I was introduced to prescription pain pills. It numbed the pain with those for a while. At 16 I met my ex-husband and at 17 we were married. I was on top of the world. I felt like I had finally found something / someone to fill that void and everything was going to be ok, again until it wasn’t! So I gradually began using prescription pain pills again to “deal with life” I guess it’s safe to say I had developed an unhealthy habit of numbing my emotions and pretending they didn’t exist. My addiction quickly escalated and later resulted in a divorce. He was never in addiction and couldn’t understand the hold it had on my life.
After the divorce the pain pills just weren’t doing the job anymore and I began searching for something else. At this point I felt totally hopeless and like I wasn’t good enough for anyone or anything. Here I was 25 years old, my father had more or less abandoned me and I had failed terribly at being a wife. Shortly after my divorce I met husband #2. He was also in addiction and as sad as it is I thought, ‘well at least I don’t have to hide getting high anymore, we can get high together and it’s all going to work out this time’. That’s the kind of hold addiction had on my life. It’s sad, but true. Not long after we were married we were introduced to methamphetamine and it didn’t take long for us to figure out how to make it. Needless to say, 6 months in we were both mentally gone and our marriage fell apart. By this time I had become an IV user and was so mentally unstable that I honestly couldn’t determine what was reality and what wasn’t. This ultimately resulted in numerous trips in and out of jail and eventually felony charges. I accepted drug court as a result of this felony charge but still couldn’t quite get a grip on my addiction.
I was put back in jail a couple of times for failing drug tests but I see now that it was all a part of God’s divine plan. My last trip back to jail resulted in drug court offering me rehab. I was hesitant at first, but knew I desperately wanted to change and wanted my life back. I arrived at Beth’s Blessing on January 3, 2017. I walked in those doors broken and hopeless but yet wanting so desperately to change. I didn’t know how, or if it was even possible, but I was willing to give it a shot. While I was completing treatment I kept hearing about how others were surrendering their lives to God and what a difference it was making in their lives. It planted a seed and got me curious, but I couldn’t help but think how could God ever forgive me? How could He ever love a mess like me?! All I kept hearing though was how much God loved me and that it didn’t matter how far I had run, He was waiting with arms wide open. All I had to do was surrender.
I’ll never forget the day that God got ahold of me in that little church in Jackson County. I hit my knees and completely surrendered everything to Him. In that moment I was set free. My life has completely changed for the better since that moment. God has restored things in my life I would have never imagined and gave me my life back! When I first walked into treatment the officer, who is actually our local jailer that transported me from jail to treatment walked me in the doors and said, “You can do this, anytime you feel like you can’t just remember,” he pointed to a verse on the wall. It was Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” That stuck with me and I still use it today to get me through things that seem impossible.
Now I have no abandonment issues. I have a heavenly Father that loves me more in one moment then any human could in one lifetime. I’ve found the most amazing fill for that void and that’s the Holy Ghost. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:17 NLT, “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” So although my past will remind me, it will never define me.
What was your aha moment?
When I was sitting back in jail after just getting released 8 days prior. At that point I was sick and tired of being sick and tired I knew it was time to change.
Feelings and emotions in active addiction:
I was emotionless, heartless, and didn’t care about anything except my next high. I was basically just existing.
The driving force that keeps me going when times get tough:
God and my family. Also looking back at where God has brought me from and how much He’s done in my life since then.
Advice for the addict still struggling?
There’s always hope! You are worth it!
What obstacles or road blocks have you faced in your recovery?
Losing my grandmother; it completely turned my world upside down.
What is something you want people who never struggled with addiction to know?
We are not bad people, although we make bad choices and sometimes do bad things. Please understand that addiction controls a person’s life in ways you couldn’t imagine. We are good hearted people fighting battles most don’t understand.
What advice do you have for family members of a person in addiction?
Don’t give up! Be careful that you’re not enabling but never give up hope! Let them know how much you love them even when it seems hard to like them.
Closing Thoughts
Nobody is ever too far gone for God’s grace and mercy. No matter what you’ve done or who you used to be He loves you so much more then you can even begin to imagine. He is always there with arms wide open.
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, please call Addiction Recovery Care at 606.638.0938 or visit them on the web at www.arccenters.com.
There is hope. There is help.
